Working with Children

Here is some information about working with children who have witnessed domestic violence. Remember that it is the perpetrator’s choice to expose violence to their children. Do not blame the mother for the violence that is being perpetrated against her. Hold the perpetrator responsible for his actions.

Adapted from St. Martha’s Hall, Missouri

Children of battered women suffer the stress of constant fear and terror, never knowing when the violence will strike again. In addition, they suffer emotional trauma–shock, anger and guilt. Not only are they afraid of what they are seeing and/or hearing happen to their mothers, they may also feel responsible for her abuse or guilty for not being able to protect her. The following serves as a guideline for working with these children. Each child will perceive and experience the violence in their lives in differing ways, based upon their sex, age, stage of development, the extent and frequency of the violence, and their role in the family. It is important to know what the child has experienced in order to know what needs he/she may have.

• 1.
  Identify and Express Feelings: Children of battered women experience many feelings, but may not know what those feelings are or how to communicate them. It is important to teach the children different feelings and why it is important to identify and express feelings. In addition, modeling the expression of feelings and indicators to how a person may be feeling is very helpful. This information allows a child to communicate feelings as a way to solve problems.
• 2.
  Violence: Children of battered women need an opportunity to explore and express feelings about the violence in their families and how it has affected them. This helps children to learn that they are not responsible for the violence in the home nor can they stop it from happening. It also gives children a chance to learn that violence doesn’t only happen in their family and it doesn’t happen in all families. In addition, children need to become familiar with abuse and have a working knowledge of the cycle of violence in order to protect themselves. It is imperative that they develop a personal protection plan against all forms of abuse, against themselves and those they love.
• 3.
  Problem Solving: Children witnessing abuse in their home have learned only one way to solve problems: violence. In order to break the cycle of violence, it is necessary for someone to teach them healthy ways to solve problems. They need to be encouraged not to try to solve their parents’ fights nor to get caught in the middle of a fight. It is important that they try to solve their own problems and make themselves feel better. Help these children to think on their own and explore possible options and solutions to problems with people they trust.
• 4.
  Self-Esteem: These children often have a very low self-esteem and need to realize they are important and worthwhile people. They often beat themselves up for being unable to protect mom or blame themselves for the violence. Having an opportunity to focus on themselves, their needs and their importance in the lives of others, allows them to see they are truly special people.

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